There are many subjects that come up when the topic of adoption is discussed. Someone may wonder how to pay for the adoption, how to decide whether or not to adopt, or if you can love that child as you would any other child? The list goes on. For those who haven't adopted before this is new territory and there are so many questions. Don't misunderstand questions are a good thing. I operate with the philosophy that the more you know the more prepared you are.
One topic that comes up, sometimes in hushed tones, is attachment. We all want our children to attach to us, love us, and be happy they are with us. I think that when we think like that our hearts are showing - note the us in all of those statements. Of course we want the children that we bring into our home to be as excited about being a part of our family as we are about them being there. But the more I understand about attachment the more I understand attachment is more about being able to trust than actually attaching to parents and /or family.
We understand about broken trust as adults. If you have a good friend or family member that hasn't been honest with you or has let you down you hesitate to believe or trust what they say. Well imagine being a child who at the very start of their life may not have been able to trust those that they should have been able to trust completely. In their inner hearts they have issues with broken trust.
I could go on and we could spend a lot of time on the topic of attachment. I would say though that the ins and outs of attachment are not really the issue here. The issue is that this child's heart is broken.
How do we as parents handle a broken heart that comes out in the form of possible rejection or questioning of most things you do?
First and foremost we remember whom we can trust. It is because of the Lord and His setting His vision in our hearts that we are adoptive parents to begin with. I know that I can trust the Lord in everything. (Check out Jeremiah 17:7-8)
Secondly, we need to look for wise counsel. Someone to walk beside you as you work through the brokenness. This person will encourage you to persevere in godly ways.
Thirdly, gather your prayer warriors. Parents, we are in a spiritual battle for the hearts of our children!
Fourth, remember that ultimately as we follow the Lord it is the Lord that will heal this broken heart. Continue to parent as the Lord has commanded. Put His word before each of your children daily, teach them the scriptures, surround them with godly examples, be a godly example yourself. I do not think that God is a god of chaos, He put order to this world - keep order in your home.
Lastly, keep in mind that Jesus died for us when we were yet sinners. We were loved when we were unlovable. I remember back to my single days when a roommate was getting married. She talked about her feelings for her fiance and how she knew she loved him romantically but what she had really had to decide was if she was willing to be committed to him. It is similar in adoption, we make a committment to each of these children. Some of them are easier to love then others because some of them accept our love more readily or return their love to us. Our job as parents is to love each of our children. We have been called to love them and we have been called to be committed to each of them.
Please know that I know that this is not an easy thing to do each day. I daily ask the Lord to love my children through me because I am imperfect at my core. But we are called to daily ask the Lord to walk us through the valleys and over the mountains.
"Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." I Corinthians 15:58
One topic that comes up, sometimes in hushed tones, is attachment. We all want our children to attach to us, love us, and be happy they are with us. I think that when we think like that our hearts are showing - note the us in all of those statements. Of course we want the children that we bring into our home to be as excited about being a part of our family as we are about them being there. But the more I understand about attachment the more I understand attachment is more about being able to trust than actually attaching to parents and /or family.
We understand about broken trust as adults. If you have a good friend or family member that hasn't been honest with you or has let you down you hesitate to believe or trust what they say. Well imagine being a child who at the very start of their life may not have been able to trust those that they should have been able to trust completely. In their inner hearts they have issues with broken trust.
I could go on and we could spend a lot of time on the topic of attachment. I would say though that the ins and outs of attachment are not really the issue here. The issue is that this child's heart is broken.
How do we as parents handle a broken heart that comes out in the form of possible rejection or questioning of most things you do?
First and foremost we remember whom we can trust. It is because of the Lord and His setting His vision in our hearts that we are adoptive parents to begin with. I know that I can trust the Lord in everything. (Check out Jeremiah 17:7-8)
Secondly, we need to look for wise counsel. Someone to walk beside you as you work through the brokenness. This person will encourage you to persevere in godly ways.
Thirdly, gather your prayer warriors. Parents, we are in a spiritual battle for the hearts of our children!
Fourth, remember that ultimately as we follow the Lord it is the Lord that will heal this broken heart. Continue to parent as the Lord has commanded. Put His word before each of your children daily, teach them the scriptures, surround them with godly examples, be a godly example yourself. I do not think that God is a god of chaos, He put order to this world - keep order in your home.
Lastly, keep in mind that Jesus died for us when we were yet sinners. We were loved when we were unlovable. I remember back to my single days when a roommate was getting married. She talked about her feelings for her fiance and how she knew she loved him romantically but what she had really had to decide was if she was willing to be committed to him. It is similar in adoption, we make a committment to each of these children. Some of them are easier to love then others because some of them accept our love more readily or return their love to us. Our job as parents is to love each of our children. We have been called to love them and we have been called to be committed to each of them.
Please know that I know that this is not an easy thing to do each day. I daily ask the Lord to love my children through me because I am imperfect at my core. But we are called to daily ask the Lord to walk us through the valleys and over the mountains.
"Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." I Corinthians 15:58
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Note: Please take this as encouragement, obviously this is not dealing with specific behaviors and instances but the overall task of loving a child that makes it difficult at times.
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